Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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