laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize