The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
