Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
