I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
