lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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