bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
