I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just high enough for therapy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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