the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
