My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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