the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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