A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
