Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't make out with my wife yet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
