hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
