Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
