i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
