That's when you crack a 10am beer
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
