Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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