You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
this is an emotional support booty call
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
