I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Randomize
