You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize