omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
