Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
