nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
