Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
