I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
