I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
