I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
