You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
