The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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