I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
