once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
