He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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