I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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