They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
