Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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