nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
