Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
