so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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