he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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