I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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