Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
