I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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