Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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