So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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