He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
