the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
