ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize