I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
