Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
