You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
