I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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