there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
