did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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