Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
FUCK WHALES
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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