So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
