saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
