I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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