We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
